Derbyshire man bravely speaks out after suffering 20 years of domestic abuse

Things got so bad that Dave (not his real name) tried to kill himself three times.

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Thankfully, he managed to escape his nightmare – and he has now bravely opened up about his experiences to encourage other domestic abuse victims to seek help.

Dave said: “If I questioned her about anything she would scream at me and hit me.

“She would dictate what I could and couldn’t do.

“When I was at work she would phone my boss to check my shifts – this embarrassed me.

“She timed when I came back from work – I was scared to be late home.

“If I went to visit my parents she would phone up every couple of minutes to check where I was.

“She would check the mileage on my car all the time.

“She would check my mobile phone constantly.

“I definitely couldn’t speak to any other women.

“When I was eating my dinner she sometimes took it off me and threw it in the bin.

“I never had any money – she made me pay all the bills and I didn’t have any spare cash.

“I couldn’t go anywhere and I didn’t have any friends.

“She made me feel like I didn’t have a life or any control.

“I felt useless and ashamed.

“I was a victim of domestic abuse for more than 20 years.

“It made me suicidal, even to the stage of taking an overdose. Three times.”

Dave said he thought about leaving his ex-partner for a few years but was ‘scared to do that’.

He didn’t tell anyone about what was going on – until he eventually plucked up the courage to talk to his parents about his harrowing situation.

“They said straightaway that I needed to get away from her,” Dave added.

“They helped me to get a flat and now I’m pleased to say I’m in a new, good relationship – but I often have flashbacks about the past.”

Dave offered this advice for other men who are experiencing domestic abuse: “Don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed – speak to someone, whether it’s a family member or a friend.

“It’s not just women who need help to overcome domestic abuse – men can be victims too.

“Please know you are not alone.”

Dave said he tried to report his ex-partner to police but was told they wouldn’t get involved as it was a ‘domestic problem’.

Detective Chief Inspector Brian Bilby, Derbyshire Constabulary’s lead for domestic abuse, insisted the force takes the crime ‘very seriously’.

He said: “I would first like to say, on behalf of the force, how sorry I am to hear the survivor did not receive the help and support he deserved to break the cycle of abuse he was suffering.

“As a force we take domestic abuse very seriously and have invested heavily on training our frontline officers and call handlers to identify signs of coercive and controlling behaviour – as well as other forms of abuse.

“Domestic abuse is a key priority for the force and officers are encouraged to take positive action to help provide a safe route out of abuse and, where appropriate and required, bring offenders to justice for their actions.

“As a force we work closely with domestic abuse support services across the county to provide meaningful solutions for survivors and their children.

“It is heartening to hear that he is now in a safe relationship but I would urge him to contact the force in order to support him but also ensure that should his former partner be continuing their behaviour with another partner then they too can potentially be safeguarded.”

The ManKind Initiative supports men who are suffering from domestic abuse.

According to the UK charity, 576,000 men and 1.2 million women were victims of partner abuse in 2018-19.

During the coronavirus lockdown, calls to the Mankind Initiative’s confidential helpline (01823 334244, open weekdays 10am-4pm) have soared by 35 per cent.

Figures for visitors to its website through April were 76 per cent higher than normal and a sharp acceleration during May saw visitor numbers rise by 250 per cent.

Mark Brooks, chair of the ManKind Initiative, praised Dave for telling his story.

He said: “The great words from this male survivor speak so much sense.

“For men in this situation, please speak to someone - a family member, a friend, a local or national helpline like ours and of course do not hesitate to call the police.

“There is help available and people will and do listen.

“This chap escaped and hundreds of men in the same situation do every day, so you can too.

“Remember, you are not weak, you are not to blame and you certainly are not alone.”

If you are a victim of domestic abuse, please visit this NHS page for information on the help and support available.

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