"I felt like the only woman in the world it had ever happened to” – says Derbyshire councillor as she shares her tragic story of miscarriage

When Anne-Frances Hayes found out she was pregnant in her early forties, she was filled with happiness.

At first, she thought she was going through menopause but a visit to the doctor confirmed that she was pregnant.

Anne, who is now a local councillor for Staveley Division, said: “Me and my husband met quite late in life but we really wanted to start a family. We were absolutely over the moon when we found out. ”

Their happiness didn’t last long, as soon Anne started suffering from awful cramps and pains.

She said: “I was at a meeting at work and I started having the most horrendous stomach pains and a bad bleeding.”

On the same day, Anne booked an appointment with her GP who suspected she miscarried. She was referred to Chesterfield Royal Hospital in Calow for further checks.

Anne said: “They scanned my womb and there was nothing in there. But tests showed that I was full of pregnancy hormones. It turned out that I had an ectopic pregnancy.”

Ectopic pregnancy happens when a fertilised egg implants itself outside of the womb, usually in one of the fallopian tubes, which connect the ovaries to the womb. If an egg gets stuck in the tube, it won't develop into a baby and the mother’s health may be at risk if the pregnancy continues.

Anne was given two options - undergo surgery to remove the pregnancy, along with the affected fallopian tube, massively reducing her chances of becoming pregnant ever again, or to have methotrexate injected - a medicine which prevents pregnancy from growing. She decided to go with the injection.

After the appointment, Anne was told she would need to see her doctor every few weeks for the next few months.

She was then sent home for the weekend and asked to give the hospital a ring if she was in pain - due to the risk of ectopic pregnancy bursting, which could lead to peritonitis.

Peritonitis is inflammation of the peritoneum, typically caused by bacterial infection either via the blood or after the rupture of an abdominal organ and can pose a danger to life.

Anne said: “I was in excruciating pain and I was climbing the walls. I called the nurse very worried. She said that if it burst I would be in so much pain that I would not be able to talk to her.”

After a few days, the pain eased and Anne went back to work but that weekend was only the beginning of what she described as a ‘most intensive six-month-long depression’.

She said: “From a medical point of view the NHS was fantastic and I think they saved my life. But what I was going through mentally is hard to describe.

“For those few months when I still had pregnancy hormones in my body, I thought I was going nuts. I was getting angry and upset easily, it was affecting my relationship with my husband and with my friends as well as my work.

“I felt like nothing I was doing was making any sense. I struggled to make decisions about anything and I didn’t know why. I felt like the only woman in the world it had ever happened. It was extremely difficult and isolating.

“When the pregnancy was gone, you're dealing not only with the medical side of it but also the loss of the baby and the future you were planning, especially if it's your first child.”

Anne said she was also met with a lot of social judgment.

She said: “I faced a lot of stigma around ectopic pregnancies and ageism after my miscarriage. People were saying that I probably did not even want to have a child that late. One of the worst things was people saying it wasn't really a pregnancy because it was ectopic.

“But when you have a wanted pregnancy you start dreaming about the future and the baby feels very real. When it's taken away it’s crushing, no matter how early the miscarriage happened or if it was an ectopic pregnancy.”

Anne added: “When I opened up to other women about my miscarriage I was gobsmacked by how common it was. I realised that thinking I was the only one feeling like this was an absolute nonsense. So many women who I knew for years never told me they went through it. We'd never broached it until it happened to me.”

After her miscarriage, Anne was not offered any mental health support so she got back to work and tried to keep busy.

Anne believes that in recent years access to mental health support after miscarriage and neonatal birth has improved - but there is still a lot to do.

She said: “It is terrible to think that there are all these women walking around, isolated, emotionally, and psychologically affected not being able to talk about their experience, worried that they will get judged.

“The NHS is brilliant with the medical side of things but more needs to be done in terms of proactive mental health aftercare and support at workplaces. I think the law should allow men and women to have an opportunity to take time off work to process the grief after a miscarriage.

“Men are often expected to swallow their disappointment and support their partner. But in fact miscarriage can be devastating for them as well. They too need support to be able to process what happened and come to terms with the loss.”