Column: We need to think about vegans when catering for the apocalypse

In fact, not being ready for the apocalypse might mean I won’t have to worry about reaching my pension years, so maybe it’ll all work out.

Professor Tim Lang, a professor of food policy, has told the Government we should be ready in case our computers get hacked, Russia attacks, or something else horrible happens.

The coronavirus pandemic was good training. We all know how to panic-buy like we’re in the Supermarket Sweep final. Tim, however, thinks there’s one group that needs special consideration. He said we need to think about vegans when catering for the apocalypse.

I think that means we’re misunderstanding what an apocalypse is. I agree that vegans need to be catered for when you invite them to a dinner party. The onus is on you to ensure you have the right food if you’re hosting on a Saturday night.

But if you’re living in a barren, post-apocalyptic dystopia where we have to get by on scraps, I think we all have a responsibility to be less picky. I don’t like green olives, but if the alternative was not eating that month, I’d probably shut up about it.

I don’t expect to see someone looking at the ingredients list on savlaged tinned food saying, “Ah, there’s gelatin in this?”

Professor Tim Lang said that if people are “in psychological shock, they need to have things they are familiar and comfortable with.” I agree, but when you’re hunting with a sharpened broomstick for food, it’s less about comfort.

If the apocalypse we’re facing is a zombie one, I note that if you get caught and turned into a zombie, you’ll be eating brains. No-one stays vegan through the whole apocalypse, one way or another.

I know it’s a common trope for comedians to mock vegans, and I respect the lifestyle during times of plenty. But when things get really bad, you might have to rethink your priorities rather than expect everyone to help you through Armageddon.

I feel sorry for people with gluten intolerance. They’re often grouped with vegans in the category of “difficult people to have around for dinner,” yet they don’t get a mention in the guidance given to ministers. They’ll have to spend their apocalypse feeling gassy and bloated while the vegans get special treatment.

In the end, apocalypse or not, we’re all just trying to survive – vegans, the gluten-free and olive-haters alike.