Column: I'm a bedbug survivor so I'll not be letting them suck me dry again

For the avoidance of doubt I should point out that I lived with bed bugs, not vampires.

Not actual vampires. I’ve moved in with a few joy vampires but that’s for a different column.

Over in France they have had a problem with bedbug infestations. They have caused issues in hotels, cinemas and even libraries. Do they have beds in their libraries over in France? They’re sex mad!

Paris residents have had a terrible time with pictures of some throwing their bedding out into the street, which makes it look like the couple had a big row.

I don’t know what the French is for, “And you can sleep out there,” but it looks like they’d be shouting it.

The fear is that these French bedbugs will somehow make it over the UK, possibly in very small boats.

We are right to be worried. I have been through this. I don’t like the word victim. I call myself a bedbug survivor. In 2015, following a bad break-up, I had to rent a cheap room.

Little did I know I’d be sharing, which was not what I wanted. I’d only just managed to get away from someone who was sucking me dry.

On the first night I noticed something moving on the carpet but I didn’t look in enough detail. The next morning I saw a strange bug on my wall. I thought little of it but what I got home that night I saw a few more of them.

I’d never seen a bedbug before, which feels like it’s a sign of a good upbringing. I also hadn’t seen impetigo, but I had seen a Lada car, so I wasn’t that fancy.

I searched online and my heart sank when I realised I was living with bedbugs. They are almost impossible to get rid of. The eggs are small, white pinhead-sized specs which blend in almost anywhere. You can get the bugs but the eggs survive.

I tried all the sprays and traps I could get but I was never going to win. Eventually I moved out. I had to throw away all of the clothes I had as I didn’t want to re-infest my next home.

I survived but the bedbugs I faced were English ones. I fear a French bedbug will be worse because when it drinks your blood it will probably pass a snobby comment about its flavour.

Check out Steve’s latest podcast Steve N Allen (almost) Daily.

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